I got writes!

"Live...on tape!" highlights

The Comedy Guy — Mon, 14 Feb 2011 15:39:00 GMT

A few summers ago I hosted a short-lived television program called "Live...on tape!". It still occasionally airs on Cox cable...so I've heard. Due to some contractual discrepancies with the studio where we filmed, we can't air it for a profit on traditional broadcast television. But you CAN see it here.I'll be posting some of the funnier bits, as well as entire episodes.

This clip features Ken Kaz, Dave Pavone, Tina Beattie, Lamar Newmeyer, Cassie Bowser, and Amber Valillo.

The all-new Chevy Jesus!

The Comedy Guy — Sat, 12 Feb 2011 00:05:00 GMT

The only truck mighty enough...for the almighty!

Egyptians unite for Dromedary Days Festival.

The Comedy Guy — Mon, 07 Feb 2011 16:21:00 GMT

By AHMAD SEDKI-TALIB, Associated Press

CAIRO - Balloons. Street vendors. The smell of falafel in the air. Despite weeks of murder, looting, and civil unrest, thousands of both supporters and opponents of embattled president Hosni Mubarak threw down their swords and took to the streets today to celebrate Cairo's annual Dromedary Days festival. The fete, rivaled in attendance only by Rio de Janeiro's Carnaval, draws an estimated quarter million visitors during the first week of February. "We we're a bit worried due to the political uprising over the last few weeks", said event organizer Gamal Hassan Mohieddin, "but we've endured these types of distractions for almost four thousand years, and rarely have to cancel the celebration".

The event, which has been held annually since 1475 BC, celebrates the regions most revered and disdained animal. Originally conceived by Pharoh Hatshepsut, the first festival was little more than an excuse for the Pharoh to display her ostentatious collection of handbags and designer footwear. Subsequent festivals were restructured to celebrate activities more suited to every-day Egyptians, and the festival enjoyed a resurgence that lasted almost three thousand years. Due to the political unrest which has historically plagued this region of the world, organizers have had to resort to creative efforts to maintain public enthusiasm for the yearly festivals. This year's events include a Molotov cocktail toss, an AK-47 shooting gallery, and American-built tank rides, funded in part by the $1.3 billion in military aid provided by the United States in 2010. Ironically, anti-American sentiment runs deep in this country, yet U.S. dollars continue to pour in despite worsening economic conditions from Egypt's donor country. In spite of this sobering news, the festival continues to thrive, a tribute to the enduring allure of the ubiquitous two-humped sultan of the sand .

A stalwart of the Mesopotamian region, the Dromedary Days Festival continues to attract thousands of visitors each year. But it hasn't always been that way. Attendance during the latter half of the nineteenth-century waned, and the festival was on the brink of ending its forty-century record of success. Fueled by the Dinshaway Incident of 1906, the annual celebration of the large, even-toed ungulate seemed to be nearing it's end. Amazingly, the festival enjoyed a resurgence, due once again to American intervention. In 1913, a fledgling U.S. tobacco company, R.J. Reynolds, adopted the animal as it's mascot, and the nicotine-fueled populous who enjoyed a Turkish/Virginia blend responded. Sales soared, and the festival has maintained record-setting attendance ever since.

While tensions in the region run high, most of the citizens are able to dispense with their political viewpoints and enjoy the celebration's storied history. "Tomorrow, if I sees (sic) these men on the street, I will kill them", offered participant Atef al-Ganzouri, "but today, we stand side-by-side in the tug-of -war contest". The festival runs through this weekend, and tickets are available through Ticketmaster. The event concludes with an open-air musical concert featuring local favorite Lady Gaza, followed by perennial favorite The Bangles, an 80's American pop group who continue to mesmerize Egyptian aficionados with their gyrating, on-stage performance and regionally relevant lyrics.

AHMAD SEDKI-TALIB is founder and senior fellow of the American Cultural Studies Foundation. He is a part of a group of foreign policy experts that the White House has consulted with in recent days concerning the situation in Egypt. He also publishes TheComedyGuy.com, and writes under the pseudonym John Waldron.

Anderson Cooper attacked in Cairo!

The Comedy Guy — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 17:14:00 GMT

As chaos gripped Cairo's central Tahrir square on Wednesday, journalists covering the scene found themselves the target of pro-Mubarak supporters. CNN's Anderson Cooper was viciously attacked in what eyewitnesses are calling a cold and calculated act of violence. The network's marquee anchor, seen in the photo below, has taken to bicycle riding through the square every afternoon at 4:00PM. While his leisurely strolls aboard his Huffy "Black Widow" mountain bike have been met with little resistance all week, today's attack demonstrates just how volatile the situation in Egypt has become.

"We are concerned about attacks on news media," said Philip J. Crowley, assistant secretary of state for public affairs. "The civil society that Egypt wants to build includes a free press, as well as free bicycle trails for all to use."

Egyptian state television first reported the attack as random violence, but CNN officials paint a completely different picture. "Ted Koppel rides through here every day," said CNN Senior editor David G. Pavone, "and the crowds actually part to allow him to pass." Koppel, an avid cyclist, has been known to peddle his way through the most turbulent environs, including 1989's Tienanmen Square protests and the Solidarnosc strikes at the Gdansk shipyards in 1980. Journalists have been increasingly critical of Cooper's excursions, and some see it as an insult to ABC's veteran newsman, who has been a staple at ABC for over forty years.

Hit new show on CBS!

The Comedy Guy — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 16:16:00 GMT

The Time-Life book series presents...Complete Home Surgery!

The Comedy Guy — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 15:49:00 GMT

Growing up as a kid, I had one of those dads who could fix anything. Neighbors would bring over all kinds of crap and he would repair it.

Fortunately, I paid attention and am pretty handy around the homestead.

But not at everything.

Like radial keratotomy.

But thanks to this exciting new series, Complete Home Surgery, I don't know whether to fix my noisy garbage disposal, or my torn anterior cruciate ligament.

This bit was the brainchild of Dave Pavone, who also provides the voiceover.

Ken Kaz http://www.ihostportal.com/Default.aspx?alias=www.ihostportal.com/kenkaz shines as the husband. Tina Williams, who also loaned us her home to shoot, stars as the wife, while Lamar Newmeyer's Uncle Teddy is dead-on. Dee Ann Kinkade produced, and I looked through the camera and edited. Special thanks to Prestone.

And the entire series is sitting on a shelf in my office.

Stand-Up at The Comedy Spot.

The Comedy Guy — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 15:48:00 GMT

I went to The Comedy Spot in Scottsdale and saw James P. Connelly. I've worked with him before and find him to be absolutely hilarious! He has a show on XM Radio . http://www.jamespconnolly.tv/

The featured comic, Dustin Rhoads, who is absolutely HILARIOUS, was telling me how much he loved a bit I used to do about safety at baseball games.

So I dug it up and here it is. The club was pretty new, the camera was pretty cheap, but the joke is pretty funny!

Drunk airline pilots on video!

The Comedy Guy — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 15:47:00 GMT

Apparently the Throttle-to-Bottle axiom has lost a little of its credence. More and more pilots are gettin tanked up and climbing behind the yoke.

This seems remarkably irresponsible, but actually I'm OK with it. My friend flies for Alaska Airlines and tells me it's become so automated that all they really do is take off. And soon they won't even do that.

They only have humans in the cockpit to ease passengers minds.

Plus computers can't give out those little plastic wings.

Which, incidentally, no longer utilize the "hat pin" to clip on a child's shirt. They now use sticky tape.

Security measure. In case a bevy of terrorists saunter up to the flight deck and say "Hello. We would like eight plastic wings, please".

Don't feel bad for the dudes who were flying for America West. They've moved on to bigger and better things. As you're about to see.

Thanks to Dee Ann Kinkade for producing and standing in as the bartender, Bruce Cormie for shooting, Larry Bublitz for allowing us into his home for nine hours, and Dave Smith for props.

Barbie. An E True Hollywood story.

The Comedy Guy — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 15:46:00 GMT

You know growin up with three sisters exposed me to a lot of dolls. None was hotter than Barbie. Except maybe her friend "Colored Francie". HONEST TO GOD! Mattel made a non-Caucasian model and called her Colored Francie. http://chocolatedoll.com/historyofbarbie.html Of course this was in 1967.

The funny thing was, it was the same mold of Barbie...just made from brown plastic. None of the voluptuous curvy features which would entice a young Catholic boy to fleece it from his sister's toybox. I mean, Diane Carroll curvy, not Queen Latifah curvy (what the hell's happened to her lately?).

Anyway, success inevitably begets money, which begets options, which begets debauchery. And sweet little Babs was not immune to the lure of infelicitous behavior.

Too bad Dr. Phil wasn't around then to screw her up even more.

Thanks to Tina Williams (Barbie), Lamar Newmeyer (GI Joe), Dee Ann Kinkade, Dave Pavone, Ken Kaz.

See for yourself:

Harry Potter book release party. What you DON'T know about the fans!

The Comedy Guy — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 15:45:00 GMT

The good folks at Barnes and Noble allowed me and my producer, shooter, and PA to roam around B&N for three hours and interview people at the "Half-Blood Prince" debut. WHAT WE'RE THEY THINKING?

The sad thing is, at this point I had yet to read ONE stinkin' HP book. (I've since borrowed the entire series from my 9 year old Godson and banged em out in eight weeks. They're pretty good.)

We cut two different versions for the boss at B&N. This is the one he obviously didn't get.

I take pole-dancing lessons (It IS what you think).

The Comedy Guy — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 15:44:00 GMT

Every encumbered male needs an excuse to go to a strip club. It's imperative that you downplay your excitement and liken it to attending defensive driving classes.

"Oh honey, I don't really want to go, but it's Bob's birthday".

"It's Steve's bachelor party and we'll probably only be there a little while".

"I think I found my birth mother!"

But to be able to interview and record a bona fide dancer, who is not steeped in Oxycoton, is the Holy Grail of interviews. And somehow, through the grace of the pole dancing Gods, I was able to pull-off that very seemingly impossible feat.

Reza Karamooz http://www.rezaresort.com/, the genius behind Reza Fitness Resort in Scottsdale, allowed us into his luxurious establishment where we met Kristin, a full-time elementary school teacher/part time pole dance instructor.

Who drives a Porsche Carrera.

Hmm...

Anyway, the following is not for the weak of heart.

Because it wasn't that much fun.

I mean, it was OK. I kinda had to do it. You know, we were already committed.

I would really rather have been somewhere else.

Like a REAL strip club.

Thanks to Producer Dee Ann Kinkade and Videographer Dave Streetman for the steady hand-helds.

Our Doritos Superbowl Commercial

The Comedy Guy — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 15:42:00 GMT

Now that semi-professional video equipment is relatively affordable, many major companies sponsor online contests to submit homemade commercials.

Doritos is one such company, and the winners get to see their efforts broadcast during the game.

We entered the following spot and actually placed around 32nd out of 1600 or so entries.

Not bad, considering it's online voting, and we don't have 900 friends to blast emails to and pad the votes (no sour grapes there).

Lamar Newmeyer http://www.lamarnewmeyer.com/ stars and co-wrote. He is a versatile actor and hilarious comedian who has done tons of film and TV.

I was behind the lens, Dave Pavone produced, and my ex-uncle Jason Gansauer was a dependable PA.

Big fan of the rack focus.

The all new Chevy Jesus. The only truck mighty enough...for the Almighty!

The Comedy Guy — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 15:41:00 GMT

So we shot this little gem of a video in the middle of the summer in Arizona. It seems to get under a lot of people's skin. It's not really that bad.

Troy Conrad, http://troyconrad.net/ , who performs a one-man show over in L.A., conceived of the idea with Dave Pavone, who is, without a doubt, the most brilliant comedy writer I've ever met.

Troy's entire show is done as the Son of God, fielding audience questions swathed in traditional vestments.

Flowing robe, grace...striking.

It was a short bit that grew out of his standup, and grew and grew until it IS the bit. Catch his show before he's hit by lightning. Cause he will be.

Nick Stahr of Brother's-Ink was convincing as the apostle Cecil, patron saint of the Hula-ho*.

I bought props at a religious store in Tempe, Az. It was kinda' creepy. I was uncomfortable looking at my fellow shoppers. Cause I was thinking, you know, they're not here looking for props. They actually want this stuff. Perusing the shelves to find just the right Jesus fish. Like, what do we need today? Avocados, dog food, baptismal font, cornuts. But Nicodemus, my sales associate, put my blasphemous heart at ease. Probably because they're on commission.

Anyway, enjoy it.

*Courtesy of Wikipedia.

American Big Game

The Comedy Guy — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 15:40:00 GMT

I'm only posting this because several people have asked me to do so.

OK, that's not true. It was a couple of people. But they really enjoyed it and wanted to see it again.

OK, that's not true either. They're actually in it, and can't find the copies I mailed to them.

Or said I would mail to them. Oh shit.

Anywho, this is a short film that won BEST COMEDY and a BRONZE MEDAL for BEST FILM at the San Tan Film Festival.

It is also in the prestigious FAUX FILM FESTIVAL next month in Portland (more about that later).

Lamar Newmeyer (that's him with the gun) stars as Curt Savage.

Dave Pavone stars as Bob Winchester.

It was 108 degrees the day we shot it. We were the ones who needed reviving.

It must have been his eye tooth...

The Comedy Guy — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 15:39:00 GMT

Blind Irishman sees with the aid of son's tooth in his eye

                          AFP - Thu Feb 28, 1:30 AM ET
                          DUBLIN (AFP) - An Irishman blinded by an explosion two years ago has had his
                          sight restored after doctors inserted his son's tooth in his eye, he said on
                          Wednesday. Bob McNichol, 57, lost his sight in a freak accident at a re-cycling
                          business in November 2005.

                          After doctors in Ireland said there was nothing more they could do, McNichol
                          heard about a miracle operation called Osteo-Odonto-Keratoprosthesis (OOKP)
                          being performed at the Sussex Eye Hospital in Brighton in England.

                          The technique, pioneered in Italy in the 1960's, involves creating a support for
                          an artificial cornea from the patient's own tooth and the surrounding bone. The
                          eye socket is then rebuilt, part of the tooth implanted and a lense inserted in a
                          hole drilled in the tooth.

                          A national campaign was immediately started, and after several exhaustive
                          months of searching England and Ireland, someone with a healthy tooth was
                          actually found. Doctors were even able to forgo drilling the tooth by using one
                          of the many existing cavities already in the tooth.

                          "It was pretty heavy going," McNichol said. "The odds of finding a donor in this
                           part of the world are extremely rare. Now I have enough sight to get around and
                           watch TV. I've adjusted quite well, but I'm still having a difficult time learning
                           how to floss my retina."

Let your fingers do the pointin'!

The Comedy Guy — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 15:38:00 GMT

Who am I, and what have I done with myself?

The Comedy Guy — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 15:11:00 GMT

I can't take it anymore.

Oh shut up. This is GREAT!

No. I don't like it.

What the hell do you know? What are you...one of THEM?

See, that's what I'm talking about.

I don't know exactly when this metamorphosis occurred. When my hideous alter ego reared his ugly head.When the butterfly emerged from its chrysalis as an impatient, crazed lunatic. I can't even recall a specific moment when the transformation, so painful it makes Spock's pubescent years on Vulcan look like a day at the county fair, was complete.

But I am quite clear as to the driving force behind my Sybil-like behavior.

It's this damned election.

I remember the old me. Polite. Patient. Hell, I was voted "Student of the Year" when I was in high school. When I go through a door, any door, I'll wait and hold it open for anyone, man or woman, within 20 feet of me. I can't help it. It's Frank Burn's "nice to be nice to the nice" theory.

But that's the old me. Now I'm much more cautious. You have to be. For that old man in the check-out line, or that young girl at the teller window, or that guy sitting next to you enjoying the same movie? Those for whom I would've gladly given up my place in line for only a few months ago? Well there's a good chance that they could be...one of THEM!

The new me is consumed with despising THEM. Ridiculing THEM. You know. The idiots who want to vote for the OTHER GUY. When I drive behind one of THEIR cars (and I know it's THEM because of their stupid campaign sticker with it's lying,hypocritical slogan), I can't wait to pass and stare daggers at the moron behind the wheel. I pray they'll sneak a furtive glance my way, so I can shake my head in disgust before I flip them the bird and run them off the road.

Just yesterday I got stuck behind a late model, full-sized sedan that was perfectly content to zip along at 1/10th the posted speed limit. I live in Arizona, so as winter approaches and the older folks who can still afford to relocate here, we get used to the onslaught of Mr. and Mrs. Magoos clogging our roads. And this one fit the bill -silver hair barely visible above the dashboard, turn signal perpetually engaged.Without a doubt - one of THEM if ever I saw one. As I practiced my stink eye in the rear view mirror and prepared to overtake this mindless, ill-informed octogenarian, I saw it.

Her bumper sticker.

She was one of US!

And quicker than Joe Lieberman at a jobs fair, my viewpoint changed. I LOVE this woman. How dare these other drivers berate her motor skills? She's smart.Cautious. I immediately went from wanting to run her off the road to carrying her on my back to wherever her sage, logical, well-informed little frame wanted to go.

But that's not me. It's this damned election.

To use a sports analogy, I'm a "Two, four, six, eight, who do we appreciate?" kind of fan. I've always supported my team in an encouraging, positive way, and would never stoop to ridiculing or belittling my opponents. I think this does nothing but inspire the other team to fight harder to defend their honor. It's much more effective to demoralize your opponent by having them witness the opposing fans undying loyalty and support. But lately my carefully calculated, ego-less method of encouragement has degenerated into what I despise the most. Now I chant"Your guy sucks! Your guy sucks!" I've gone from supporting MY team exclusively to condemning THEIRS. That's not me.

How did this happen? How did I get dragged into this out of control,never-ending, childish bout of name calling?

Boy, do I miss the old me. The Ma Teresa /Turn-the-Other-Cheek me. It's eating me up inside. My once calm, patient, accepting demeanor has been replaced with a disruptive, debilitating angst.

I want this to stop. I miss holding doors open. Helping people unequivocally. Hopefully, as the election draws near, I'll be able to abandon this reprehensible behavior, this shameful comportment, and go back to my Chopraesque lifestyle of peace and understanding.

Just as long as MY GUY wins!

Campaign Jams!

The Comedy Guy — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 22:40:00 GMT

I'm often amused by those pretentious audiophiles who extol the aural virtues of vinyl while condemning the clearly superior digital format. Granted, there is something romantically nostalgic about prying open an aging album cover, carefully removing the record from the long-ago torn paper envelope (which usually belongs to some other album), wiping it with you shirt, and preparing it for play.

The old smell.

Cleaning the furball-sized hunk of lint from the needle.

Scotch taping a couple of wheat cents atop the tone arm.

And that beautiful, scratchy static.

I still remember to this day exactly where my Smokey Robinson Tears of a Clown 45 used to skip:

"...there tryin' to fool the public, but when it comes down to foolin', to foolin', to foolin', to foolin', to foolin (BUMP) ifferent subject. But don't let my glad expression..."

Ahh. Memories. But acoustically superior? Are you kidding me?

Maybe it's a repressed longing for a happier, innocent time, a last-ditch attempt at staving off the inevitable effects of growing old. Or a way to thumb our gin-blossomed noses at the technologically advanced youth of today, who can reformat a hard drive faster than I can download a bootleg copy of The Best of Bread.

I do admit, I remember precisely where I bought my very first album, 1973's John Denver's Greatest Hits (a Woolworth's in Mesa, AZ).

Perhaps CDs really are inferior to capturing the subtle nuances of Pass the Dutchie. Or the elusive, interwoven complexities of Billy, Don't Be a Hero.

But my ear, like my wine-tasting palate, is nowhere near refined enough to notice a difference.

I am, however, a huge fan of the old record commercials. K-Tel presents Disco Fever! Love Songs of the 70's! Or my all-time favorite, Freedom Rock!

"Hey Man. Is that Freedom Rock?"

"Yeah, man."

"Well turn it up, man!"

So what better way to honor these Titans of the Turntable than to present Campaign Jams! A collection of 30 original songs by 9 unoriginal candidates!

Special thanks to Donna Wilson of BELLATREX JAZZ for providing the female vocals. Unbelievable range, clarity, great singer. Check out their stuff: http://www.bellatrex.com/

Campaign Jams! Order today!

But I'd get the vinyl. It sounds way better.

Our Lady of Perpetual Wealth.

The Comedy Guy — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 01:47:00 GMT

Shares of Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia Inc. have just been "kicked up a notch".

That's because the ex-con just shelled out $50 million for the rights to the Emeril Lagasse franchise of cookbooks, television shows, and kitchen products. And before you can say BAM!, the deal should bring in at least $8 million in earnings to her publicly traded company.

So as we approach the three year anniversary of her release from a federal prison on obstruction charges, what better way to celebrate then to re-rerun the column I wrote just days before they stuck her in the clink.

Shameless, I know.

But not as shameless as when I run it next year.

Our Lady of Perpetual Wealth

Historically speaking, America has been the ultimate soapbox to some of the twentieth century's most inspirational leaders. African Americans benefit from the passive resistance of Dr. Martin Luther King. Hispanics owe their labor equality to the determination of Caesar Chavez. And now, finally, Anglos have their own inspirational leader in the Queen of Craft, Martha Stewart.

In a shocking move sure to spark civil unrest, Judge Miriam Goldman Cedarbaum sentenced Stewart to five grueling months in prison for obstructing a federal securities investigation. Stewart promptly likened her sentence to that of the altruistic civil rights leader Nelson Mandela, and if one digs deep enough, their plights are strikingly similar.

Granted, Mandela was exiled for nearly three decades in a South African prison under conditions which would have made Papillon shudder. But Stewart's impending twenty-two week incarceration, languishing beneath jail bed sheets with double-digit thread counts, will be nothing short of barbaric.

Prior to sentencing, Stewart pleaded with the Judge to "consider all the intense suffering that has accompanied her every single moment of the last two years." Moments like the star-studded, invitation-only premier of Fahrenheit 911 last month. Or the ritzy power-lunch a few weeks ago at the Four Seasons. Or maybe last week's ostentatious party at Calvin Klein's new Southampton summer home, where she mugged it up for the cameras with Barbara Walters. OK, that would be intense suffering.

     Stewart also begged the judge to consider all the good that she has done, all the Mandelaesque contributions she has made, albeit missing out on some of the more prominent causes. Like the civil rights march from Selma to Montgomery (fire-hose water leaves those insidious spots on her Prada pumps), the Greensboro Woolworth's lunch counter sit-in (drugstore food always leaves her feeling a bit sluggish), and the freedom-ride bus trip to Jackson (diesel fumes and one bathroom? You must be joking?).

     When asked how she would handle prison food, strip searches, and fellow inmates, Stewart said "I can do it. I'm a really good camper." Thank God her parents had the foresight to treat a young Martha to many a warm summer night, huddled around a campfire with smores at the Rahway State Correctional Facility Campground.

     Move over, Mother Theresa. Mahatma who? As a brave Martha contemplates her looming ordeal, followed by certain martyrdom, the thoughts of the nation, if not the entire world, will be with her. And due to her strong will, determination, and highly-paid publicist, she'll undoubtedly come out smelling like a Rosa Parks. But make no mistake about it. Gone are the canapés, foie gras, and Beluga Caviar, at least for the next five months. Until then, Martha will have to settle for noshing on just desserts.

Definitely a lateral move.

The Comedy Guy — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 21:56:00 GMT

In an effort to ameliorate their tarnished image, FEMA administrators have pledged to "definitely" send "some" of the SEVENTY-FIVE THOUSAND trailers and mobile homes it has stored in various locations around the country to Tennessee and Arkansas tornado victims.

FEMA administrator R. David Paulison said Friday on a tour of the damage that the agency would prefer putting people up in rental properties. Partly due in response to Congress last year ordering FEMA to stop selling or donating the $850 MILLION worth of trailers after discovering levels of the carcinogen formaldehyde that were 50 TIMES HIGHER than the EPA's "elevated level".

Which, studies have shown, still kill slower than Cat-5 tornadoes.

Phil Parr, who is leading the federal response to the storms in Arkansas, refused to offer estimates as to how many mobile homes would be used, or when they would be delivered.

"We're moving as quickly as we've ever moved before," Parr said.

Beleaguered residents should begin seeing the first shipment of trailers as early as this November.